The Chasm

Abstract Silhouette Praying



You can feel it coming, most of the time. Feel it looming like a great wave, or building like a stormy sky. Sometimes you can feel it coming on, inevitable, unavoidable, inescapable. Sometimes for days.

Sometimes, it comes crashing down with no warning.

One minute you’re ok, and the next, you’re weeping – and all you know is that there’s no freaking reason for it! The world is suddenly dark, without any excuse.  People feel this way when they experience a great loss – that’s understandable! That makes sense! It’s reasonable!

For people like me, there is no reason. It’s why so many take their lives:  it’s not that the pain can’t be borne (though sometimes it feels that way) – its that there is no explanation we can share with anyone else!  A pain that can be shared can be dealt with. Allowing another to help bear your pain is allowing someone in … proving that you aren’t alone. Explaining your hurt to another defuses it, and allows you to gain perspective, allows you to push the pain to arm’s length so you can examine it. It’s the first stage in dealing with it.

People like me don’t get that opportunity.

I can explain to another that I’m hurting. I can explain the neurophysiology behind it. I can go into detail about the amygdala, and neurotransmitters, and empty synapses, and medication and NONE OF IT CAN EXPLAIN WHY!!!

Humans need the why.  We’re wired to see problems and seek solutions.  Forget about the opposable thumb and upright walking and larger brains – the uniqueness of the order Hominidae is that we are problem-solvers.  Every hominid that has ever walked this planet has done so fueled by curiosity and a need to solve the problem!

We don’t like to think about problems that have no solution. It’s why Cancer, and Schizophrenia are so difficult to talk about.  It’s why there’s so much frustration dealing with a woman who keeps going back to her abusive husband. It’s why no one really wants to talk to someone with major depressive disorder, or bipolar depression.

If there’s no solution, something fundamental in our nature is offended – and a problem that cannot be defined, absolutely cannot be solved.

When it comes crashing down, suddenly, like this, I call it the Chasm.  I say it comes crashing down, but the truth is, it’s like falling over a cliff – the only difference being this cliff won’t kill you – not directly, anyway.

There were once people who cared about me, people who loved me, people who genuinely wanted to help. But first they need an explanation – and there isn’t one. And the more they want to discuss it, the less we want to answer, because we don’t know why, and talking about it only forces us to think about it, and fuck me with a fork I’m trying to NOT think about it!!!

We’re raised believing that a problem must be admitted to be resolved – and that’s absolutely true for most problems!  Not depression, though: depressives aren’t in denial – they’re perfectly well aware that they feel miserable, and many may even know the problem is physical, not mental. Admitting that there is a problem doesn’t do anything to solve this particular one!

We take our meds. We seek the help of a doctor, when the meds don’t do the trick – beyond that, there’s nothing that can be done: we’re trapped at the bottom of the chasm, till it’s light enough to find a path leading out.


~ by dourscot on February 18, 2016.

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