What do women want?

Girlfriendology-what-do-women-want-friendship-quote-infographic

I love women – but I’m damned if I understand them!

Like many men, I simply have no freaking clue what women want! I mean I know it’s kind of a bogus question:  not all women are alike; not all women want the same thing; some women say they want one thing from social pressure, but really seem to want something entirely different … still, all that having been said, you’d think you could reduce the things that women are seeking to a relatively manageable number!

Alas, not so.  The only thing I can say for certain is what women do NOT want – that would be me. Worse, a great many women who’ve rejected me have called me a “nice guy” … I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it bears repeating:  ladies, if you’re going to reject someone, do him the courtesy of telling him what you freaking didn’t like about him, ok? I’m absolutely freaking certain, that what they all hated about me was NOT that I treated them with dignity and respect, let them set the pace, didn’t try to rush them into bed, and didn’t spend the evening staring at their tits!!!

Seriously, I’ve taken to tuning you people out when I hear, “you’re a really nice guy, BUT …”, because what follows the BUT is never, ever, ever going to be honest! I’ve heard “We’re too much alike” (what, you fucking hate yourself???) I’ve heard “I’m really not ready for a relationship” (So why the fuck did you waste my time?) “I’m only looking for some quick NSA fun” (again, you couldn’t have mentioned that BEFORE I bought you dinner???) and on and on and on, one bullshit reason after another, till I finally just filled in the blanks: “BUT, what I really need is an asshole who’ll treat me like shit, destroy my self-respect, lie to me, use me, fuck my best friend, empty my bank account – and then leave …”

Ladies, seriously, on EVERY personals site I’ve been on the principle phrases used by women seeking men is “I want a good man”, “I want a man who won’t lie to me”, “I want an honest man who treats me like a lady” – and every bit of that turns out to be bullshit, or at least woefully incomplete!

There are TONS, literally TONS of legitimate reasons a woman might not want to be with me – every one of which I’m perfectly well aware of! Is it freaking asking too much, when you turn me down, that you do so with some respect and honesty?

“Scott, you’re a REALLY nice guy, BUT:”

-“You’re just too fucking short!”

-“You’re just too damned tubby!”

-“I don’t need to be with a Depressive!”

-“I don’t want to be around a bi-polar!”

-“You’re fucking BALD!”

-“I hate men that are really smart!”

-“I hate men who’ve traveled more widely than me!”

-“I just don’t like your ugly face!”

ANY of those reasons, or a hundred others that are applicable, I could accept!  Date’s over, hard but true reason given, CLOSURE FUCKING ACHIEVED!!!  If you’d be honest with me, I could go home and FUCKING FORGET about you – instead of wracking myself to pieces over the next couple of weeks wondering just what the hell it was??? Was it something I could have fixed??? Did I come across the wrong way??? Was it a misunderstanding??? Was there freaking spinach in my teeth???

I’ve been doing some research.  It’s pretty much only applicable to women on personals sites, but I’ll bet some of the principles carry over to women in other situations … Women appear to fall into a few distinct categories:

* Codependent:  this woman grew up in an abusive household, and on some fundamental level, she equates “Real Man” with “Insecure Woman-Hating Abusive Asshole”. The typical tag-line for this sort of woman is “Aren’t there any good men left?” – meaning she’s been with one abusive asshole after another, because that’s the only kind of guy who seems to appeal to her, so she’s convinced herself that ALL men are abusive assholes, but if she just pours enough LOVE into one, he’ll CHANGE …

Look, let me just make this perfectly clear: an asshole is an asshole PRECISELY BECAUSE he’s so self-centered and so convinced everything is everyone ELSE’s fault! Such creatures CANNOT, and WILL NOT change! EVER!  I have a personal request for this sort of woman:  grow the fuck up and DO NOT come to me to restore your self-respect, so you can GO RIGHT BACK OUT AND FIND ANOTHER LOSER!!!  You have a pattern of picking losers – I, it turns out, ALSO have a pattern of picking losers – that behave like YOU!  I’m changing. I strongly suggest you do, too.

* Cougar:  this is the female equivalent of the male ‘player’.  She probably has a husband who bores her, and leaves her sexually unsatisfied, but provides well for her children, so she won’t do the honest thing and dump him, she’ll just go find a young, good-looking guy to fuck – however old and unattractive SHE might be (believe me, there are young men who’ll sleep with anyone willing).  Incidentally, her husband is likely just as bored and unsatisfied as her, but being a man, he’ll react in a somewhat DIFFERENT manner: he’ll go find a young and attractive woman to see to his needs, but instead of just banging her and coming home to his wife, he’ll likely DIVORCE his wife, and she will speak bitterly of the young gold-digger who took her security away.

* Gold-digger: see above … this is a woman who’s good-looking (for now) and certain she can hook some guy who’ll make it unnecessary for her to work very hard.  After he divorces his wife and marries you, you’ll forget that he was a cheating asshole once, and you’ll be surprised when you discover he’s STILL a cheating asshole! You might want to contact his ex, and get the name of her attorney.

* Perfectionist:  this title, does not refer to HER behavior – it describes the only guy she’ll “settle for”:  Tall (tall enough to make her look like a child beside him. Ew.) Handsome (think Brad Pitt), Intelligent (but NOT more so than the woman, because that would get annoying), funny (because she’s not interested in a real man, just entertainment), Sexy (see above), Hung (see above), with an “Open Mind”, meaning he’s down for whatever kink SHE’S into, but won’t try to introduce ANY kinkiness of his own.  This woman is never going to find such a man – but she might find a man she can convince herself is “perfect” long enough to get deep into a relationship, whereupon she’ll discover all sorts of annoying imperfections (for instance, he might want to watch something HE picks on TV from time-to-time …) soon, she’ll ditch him and go back to the hunt.  I’d like to point out also, that men who look for a good-looking woman get freaking CRUCIFIED as shallow assholes, unable to appreciate REAL beauty (meaning beauty that is utterly invisible, and often buried under layers of fat) – but this woman is allowed to seek “Tall, Dark, Handsome, and hung”, and is in no way to blame for not seeing “inner beauty”.

* ‘Christian’:  this label refers to a woman who isn’t really interested in finding a companion and partner – she wants someone to sit beside in church, because her LAST mate would never go, and left her, after which all the gossips in the congregation began wagging their tongues. She’ll use as a tagline “Jesus is Lord!”, or “Seeking a man who’ll put God First in His Life!”  I have nothing against religious people – I’m very spiritual myself, and consider myself a devout Christian – but I’ve no interest in attending church 3 or 4 times a week, filling all my off-hours with Church business, and basically living my life between work, and the church (and, when the church is in need, I’d be be expected to take off from my work!)  No. Thank you.

* Slut: sorry, I hate that word, but in this case it applies – it refers to a woman who wants to have no strings attached sex with a guy with at LEAST a 9-incher – no other specifications listed!  As far as this woman is concerned, guys are just pricks attached to something that talks – and they often list in their ads “No talking! Just come in, do me, and leave!”  This is the female equivalent of the guy who just wants some big tits and NSA sex.  I’m sorry if you find this concept offensive, but it IS true:  check out your local Craig’s List if you don’t believe me.

* Absent-Mindedly Picky:  this woman is VERY close to the ‘Perfectionist’ listed above, but with one exception – she doesn’t list the ‘deal breakers’ in her ad. I’ll give you an example from my own life:  I met a woman on a web site … her ad read “Looking for an honest man, with a sense of humor”.  I’m honest, and I DO have a sense of humor – though admittedly it isn’t something a lot of people get. Things went well, we exchanged some e-mails, then phone numbers and started talking – we’d seen face pics of each other but no full body shots.  As we talked we began to hit it off, and, after a couple of 4-hour phone chats, she wanted me to make the 2 hour drive to visit her … money was very tight, and I’ve been through this before, but I was ready to go through it again. Then she told me about a guy that she’d invited to come see her, who’d driven even more than two hours, whom she’d slammed the door in the face of …  I thought that was a little rude, and gently said so. Her reply was that the guy was tubby, and she just couldn’t STAND guys with big guts … at which point I told her that I had a gut … there was a long silence and she  said something like “I’m sure you’re being to hard on yourself!” I replied that, no, I had some extra body weight, and that I was trying to lose it, but that I hadn’t had a lot of success. we began to go down the list of physical traits that she disliked (but hadn’t mentioned in her ad). I had virtually ALL of them. She still kept pressing me to get in the car and come see her, so she could decide for herself. Instead I sent her pictures … after she got them, she called and said “You were right – but I’ve become so fond of you!”  She kept going on and on about how it just wasn’t fair, etc. Given the fact that I was the one being rejected, I became somewhat annoyed. “Look,” I said, “I have no problem with being rejected because you find me unattractive – we don’t choose what pleases us and what doesn’t – but I think it’s a little low to reject me for being unattractive to you, and then expect me to comfort you for feeling that way!

There are other types, including women who are attractive, genuinely lonely, have genuinely nice personalities, and are perfectly able to see the inner beauty in a man – though they generally call it ‘character’.  Sadly, these have been very few, and by the time I message them, they’ve often found someone closer to them, and they want to see how that works out and they wish me the very best of luck …

I try to keep my hopes up. I try to keep my resentment under control.  The woman I’m looking for has a very specific personality – one that could fit convincingly into any number of less than perfect bodies.  That suits me fine:  I’m not in any way a perfect specimen of manhood, and would be dreadfully uncomfortable with a super-model! I want her to be my true equal … in education, intelligence, humor, kindness, honesty, tact, understanding, empathy, and passion … I have all these qualities – and I deserve a woman who can be my true partner. I want her to be beautiful, too – to my standards: I’ve always been able to find something physically beautiful in nearly any woman.  But there are features I find unattractive, and I make no apologies for them – like I said, no one chooses what is to be a turn on and what won’t, and it is not, in any way, shallow to recognize what you find attractive – and it’s freaking unreasonable to expect me to enter a relationship with a woman that I don’t find attractive!

Right now, though, I’d settle for a little less.  A little less bullshit from women. A little less of being judged because of what some other guy has done. And a little less condemnation leveled at my gender for faults that women are just as guilty of! It ill becomes women to be sexist.

Think of that the next time you label ‘men’ in general as dishonest, shallow, and “only interested in sex”.

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~ by dourscot on November 12, 2013.

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