Once upon a time, I considered myself a very competent person.  That time was long ago, and appears to be gone forever.

Part of it is just age.  I don’t learn as quickly as I once did, and technology changes so swiftly these days, that it’s very hard to keep up. There are certainly things that I’m genuinely expert at, but they’re becoming less and less relevant, and more and more, I’m just faking it …

Take, for example, the number of things people expect to be able to do with their smart-phones … many of these I see absolutely no point to, and even the things that DO seem kinda neat, I can’t figure out how to accomplish!

Given that I make a living as a computer consultant, this is a matter of some concern.

Even beyond that, though, in my personal life, and friendships, there is apparently a vast number of things that I don’t know, no one has ever bothered to tell me, and which tend to piss people off when I’m not aware of them! There are things I can’t post on Facebook … things I can’t write in this blog … things I can’t say aloud, actions I can’t take, ways I can’t dress, or act, or even think!

Lately, I’ve been inundated by all the things that I feel I ought to be able to do, which apparently piss off my friends. I’ve been given one rule after another, after another, after another, to the point I have to wonder if I’m even me, anymore!

If a person is the sum of his actions, and you take away all the actions that come naturally to him, is he still the same man?

Maybe the first premise is wrong, though:  maybe a man is NOT the sum of his actions – except that it’s always seemed true to me:  if a dude does loving, caring, kind things, I’ve always considered that that makes him a loving, caring, kind person … true, he could be faking it, but for YEARS? Maybe inside he’s a nasty, vicious, asshole, and all the niceness is merely a cover – but how would we ever know, if he doesn’t do nasty, vicious, assholeish things?  By the same token, if I guy does all sorts of cruel, uncaring, things, is he not a cruel and uncaring person? Who would want to fake that?

And apparently a lot of the stuff I do comes across as “creepy”, or manages to piss off the people I care about, or their families, or their friends …

Does that make me a creep?  And holding back these things, does that make me a paragon of virtue?

I don’t fucking know the answer. I do know that I’m getting tired of not being accepted. I’m getting tired of being told I can’t act like myself. I’m getting tired of not being allowed to be myself.

I’m getting very damned sick and tired of being made to feel incompetent at life … or maybe I really AM incompetent at life, and I’m tired of having my nose rubbed in it … either way, I don’t know how long I can keep living this “approved of” way …

My alternatives? Piss off and alienate the very few friends I have – or just fucking stop living, since I can’t seem to do it well!



~ by dourscot on June 3, 2013.

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