Stormy Skies Ahead



There are days when I feel completely disconnected from everything around me.

I see people laughing, but can’t join them – can’t even remember, in fact, what it’s like to laugh. I see lovers holding hands, and I damned well do remember what that’s like – but it requires a second person, and there isn’t one. An old friend who worries about me calls, but what can I say to her? “I’m ok”? Well, I’m not ok – but the instant you admit that, you have to back it up: you have to say what’s troubling you, or what’s wrong with your life, or exactly why you aren’t ok …

I don’t have any of those answers.

Oh, don’t get me wrong: there’s plenty of things in my life that are a source of stress and misery, beginning with my loneliness, progressing through my dissatisfaction with my work, my perpetually disastrous finances, my utter lack of a social life, sex life, or, well, life

Things are pretty crappy for me right now – but none of those things alone is the source of my misery! I’ve dealt with loneliness my whole life, haven’t enjoyed my work since I was in the Air Force, have scraped by with no money for years … I’ve never had a social life, and very seldom had a sex life … none of this is new, so why the fuck am I suddenly so unable to function?

I think, perhaps, it’s just weariness. I’ve fought off all those things for 5 decades and I’m tired! Tired of having no one to go home to and hold. Tired of sitting at my desk, day after day, with nothing to do, or with only the most trivial challenges. Tired of calculating whether I have money enough to eat at Wendy’s or whether I have to go home and have PBJ, instead. Tired of missing Kay, who was pretty much the only social life I needed, but has been gone for two months, and will soon be gone forever. As for my sex life, yeah, I’m tired of not ever having sex – but what’s far worse is that I’m tired of never having intimacy!

Human beings are social animals. We aren’t meant to live isolated lives. We aren’t meant to be disconnected. We’re meant to love one another.

I see ugly dudes coupled up with nice looking women, and I wonder, “Am I not better looking than him?” What is it about me that makes it so impossible to love me?

I really don’t fucking know – but I’m tired of that too.


~ by dourscot on May 3, 2013.

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