Still cycling …



Still rapid-cycling. It’s been going on for 6 days, now, and nothing I’ve tried has made it stop …

Medication. Whiskey. Computer games. Movies. Old TV shows. Nothing. Oh, and I can’t sleep. I drink myself almost into a coma every night, then wake up 3 or 4 hours later, cold sober …

Try that, some time: try surviving on 3 hours of sleep a night. How many days do you think you’d make it? It’s been 6 days, now …

I’ve been through times like this, before. It will end, eventually – and not by suicide:  I did that once, and swore an oath I’d never do it again … I mean to keep that oath. Nevertheless, it makes things a little harder: it takes that option off the table, leaving me with nothing but the knowledge that I’ll have to keep on enduring …

Worst of all, I’m back at work – not because I’m better, but because I have no more sick days left. Or personal days. If I miss any more work, it’ll cut into my pay, and I’m already coming up short, buying Kay’s medications, and paying for her driver’s license (and paying extra, because it had been suspended.)

Work would actually be a good thing, if it kept me busy, kept my mind occupied, kept me from concentrating on my misery – but it doesn’t: I fix problems with Macintosh computers … but they don’t have many problems. So I sit here, useless, waiting for the phone to ring. And my mind stays fixed on my troubles, endlessly worrying them like a dog with a bone …

All emotional disorders, bi-polar I & II, Major Depressive Disorder, and the rest, have some element of obsession, you see: the mind seizes on something and will not let it go … you know how you get a chewing gum jingle stuck in your head? Imagine it’s not a jingle, but a single upsetting thought … it goes around and around, and you can’t put it aside, or forget about it, or think about something else, or divert your concentration … you must think that upsetting thought again, and again, and again, until you are literally sick with it.

There are medications that help:  Welbutrin ordinarily breaks that cycle of obsession – except that it’s not working anymore, for me. I don’t know if it ever will again. And there simply aren’t any other drugs that work for me. None. Ironically, there are TONS of drugs that work for the more severe condition of Bi-Polar I … Kay’s on them, and they work very well. But Bi-Polar II Disorder is a whole different animal:  it’s mostly a disorder of depression – but nearly every anti-depressant out there will trigger very severe manic phases, so I can’t take them. Lamotragine works for many bi-polars, but not for me:  it makes angry rather than sad, and it’s all I can do to control my temper when I’m on it. The principal medication for bi-polar disorder is Lithium – I was given it in college. Seven days later I tried to take my own life. Lithium, it turns out, makes me suicidal.

So. One drug for me. ONLY one drug. And it’s not working.




~ by dourscot on April 22, 2013.

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