Tired …

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There are times when it just seems like my world is falling apart.

I have very few friends – and even fewer people that I actually love. Few as they are, though, they keep dwindling away … they get married, or move away, or find another to love, and they’re gone.  Can you still love someone when they’re no longer part of your life? That was sort of the point of Facebook:  to keep people in your life even when you couldn’t visit them …

But it doesn’t work.

Oh, sure, I can see tiny bits of their lives, and they can see fragments of mine, but the connection, the empathy, the love, is it still there?  For me, all I get is more lonely.  It’s like being in a desert, parched, dying of thirst, but able to see a lovely waterfall in the distance …

My room-mate’s new love seems to be just what she needs, and she’s gone. I look after her dogs, wash her clothes, pay for her meds, sometimes buy her groceries … but she’s gone. I do these things because I love her. I’ll continue to do these things because I continue to love her. I know, intellectually, that she loves me, and appreciates the things I do – but knowledge isn’t enough. There are times when I need a hug. There are times when I need to hear the words “I love you” …

The problem isn’t that she says them so seldom: it’s that I have so much trouble believing they can still be true.  I honestly don’t know a way around that.  A shrink would tell me (I know, because a shrink once did tell me) that until I can love myself, I’ll never be secure with anyone else’s love …

I honestly believe some shrinks need to be torched with a flame-thrower.

Maybe she’s right, and I can’t accept that other people might keep on loving me, even when I’m out of sight, even when they have someone else to love, even when their lives roll on without my intervention – but what’s the solution? I can either A) start loving myself (and how likely is that?) or B) stop loving other people (Tried it. Failed miserably.)

In the end, there is no solution, but to keep loving, and keep hoping that a day will come when someone will do what I cannot: love me on my own merits – enough to actually stay with me!

May it come soon.

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~ by dourscot on April 12, 2013.

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