What would it take?

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What would it take to be truly happy?

I’ve been wondering a lot about that, recently.  I’m bi-polar, so it’s entirely possible that true happiness is an impossibility, for me. Still, I can be more happy than I am, so what would it take for that to happen?

One way of figuring it out would be to find and eliminate all the things that make me un-happy … so maybe we should define those, first:

– I hate my appearance:  I’m too short, too fat, bald, too hairy everywhere besides my head, and I feel like my face, while not exactly ugly, is plain to the point of being nearly homely.  Sadly, there are limited things I can do about all of this:  I can’t become taller, regrow my head hair, thin out my body hair, or alter my face. Oh, I could buy a toupee, shave my body, wear lifts (special shoes that add an inch or so to your height), and perhaps have plastic surgery, but none of these things are real, and all involve a lie of one sort or another – and I’d know the truth. That’s not something I could keep up for long. I can and am doing something about my weight, but it’s a slow, laborious process, and there’s just no telling how successful I’ll be, going at it alone …

– I hate my job:  more precisely, I hate the knowledge that I can never advance, I hate the way I’m looked at and the reputation I’ve blundered into (“good at what he does, but a freaking loose canon that really needs to be hidden away!”), most of all, I hate being constantly in fear !  I live, day-to-day, in continual terror that I’ll do something, or say something, that others will take offense at, and the University will decide enough is enough, and it’s time to be rid of me. This fear is not a matter of paranoia, and it’s not exaggerated – I’ve been told by certain officials here that one more ‘incident’ is pretty much all it would take … And the consequences? Well, this is the worst economy since the great depression. There are no jobs – certainly none for a “trouble-maker” who got himself fired!  Unemployment benefits can’t pay more than a fraction of my bills, and even if I declared bankruptcy, re-affirming only my mortgage and my car, and the insurance for both, and the utility bills that go with it all, it would still be more than any benefits I could bring in!  In effect, I’d lose absolutely everything:  my house, my car, my pets, my furniture and belongings, and my room-mate – who currently has no-where else to go … In this economic climate, there’s absolutely nothing I can do but endure it, and I hate that, too!

– I hate my finances:  I have a bad habit of helping people I can’t afford to help. This basically means I’m hip-deep in debt. Every paycheck runs out before the bills do. Overdraft fees kick in, and take even more money away. Much of it is revolving credit which never, ever, ever goes away. Every month I scrape a little more, do without things I genuinely need so Kayla can have her medications, the dogs and cats have food, and the bills get paid.  And it’s not enough. I can’t remember the last time I went to a restaurant and ordered a good meal. I can barely keep the car fueled to drive the one mile to and from work, and the 3 miles to walmart – there’s no money at all to go to Birmingham, where my mother lives, or to take Kay to Slidell, or Texas, where her family members can be found, there’s no money to visit a friend in Southaven (90 miles away), or a friend in Booneville (130 miles away).  There’s no money for dating – even assuming I could find someone to date! I gave away my TV set, cancelled my satellite service, have reduced my home phone to Data and emergencies only, and it’s been years since my cupboards and refrigerator had anything much in them. Kay needs dental work, which I can’t pay for; I’m finding it harder and harder to buy all of our medications – and am only able to manage it because it’s at the reduced rate the University charges.  Need I say there’s not anything I can do about this?

–  I hate my loneliness:  I never see Kayla any more – and she’s been pretty much my only social life for years. I hate feeling like I’ll never know love again. I hate trying to find things to keep myself busy – and knowing that it’s only to keep me busy – so I won’t fall to brooding about how lonely I am. I hate being desperately grateful that a cat chooses to curl up on me, because I’m so desperate for affection … and there doesn’t appear to be anything I can do about this, either.  Even if I’m successful in losing weight, this is a small town, and a relatively small University, and I’ve been looking for years upon years, and there just isn’t anyone:  not anyone I could genuinely be attracted to, and certainly not anyone who can handle my disorder …

So. What would it take? A miracle. A miraculous windfall of money. A miraculous new love. A miraculous new job. Any of these would help immensely with all of the others:  a new companion would ease my loneliness, and, if we chose to live together, we’d have two incomes to put toward bills, and nothing at work would trouble me terribly much, provided I had someone to share the burden with … or a sudden windfall of money:  that would ease my financial worries, which would in turn ease my fears of losing my job … I’d be able to afford a gym membership to really work on my physical goals, and I’d have money to date – assuming I could find someone to date …

need a miracle.

Please, Lord.

 

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~ by dourscot on April 10, 2013.

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