Words, words, words …

Words

 

My previous post sent me into a free-fall of depression; typically, when I’m badly depressed, I try to work it out by writing, soooo…

I love words.

Words have power. Words have elegance. Words can encompass anger, hatred, love, desire, despair, pain and jubilation. Magical spells, prayers, pleas, expressions of love … all done in words. We cannot read each other’s minds. We cannot read each other’s body-language (not accurately, anyway). We can’t observe the most subtle signs.

But we can talk. We can listen. We can shout, and scream, and rant, and rave …

We can whisper “I love you” into the silence between two bodies and pray that it is whispered back.

And yet, for all their power and subtlety, words can’t do everything … it is why there are artists and musicians and actors and composers, in addition to poets and writers.

I’m lonely. I’ve been this way for years. It hurts. Yet these words cannot encompass it … there is no word for the yawning pit of pain in my heart. None for the despair of my soul. None for the simple yearning for a friend, for the touch of another’s hand, for a caress of shared humanity …

There is no word that can capture one soul cut off from all … no word for the dog-howling darkness of a lonely heart. No word for lost love. No word for lost friendship. None for lost companionship.

And the word “Loss” doesn’t even begin to express the sorrow of looking around and finding yourself standing in the emptiness, the desolation, of the Place of Stones. The place of solitude. Of bare, hard, cold truth.

The place of death.

Perhaps it was an ocean, once, that Place of Stones that I sometimes find in my dreams. But the water is long gone, and there is but fine grey silt, and enormous grey stones, each a portal into another soul – and each impenetrable in it’s rocky indifference.

At the center is a great Minhir. A pillar of rock, which one can never decide whether it was shaped by hands, or by the convulsions of nature … for this place is natural, as natural as death, and silence, and the yawning gap between all but the very deepest lovers …

It is the Soul-stone. The guardian of this place. The old Watcher, eternally patient. At it’s base is an inscription:  words carved deep, yet still weathered and hard to read …

But I have read it.

“Ware,” it says, “what questions ye ask … what desires ye speak … for truth is here, and who among ye has courage to endure it?”

I have stood before the great stone, naked and trembling, yearning to know the cause of my loneliness, desperate to know whether it will end, and when, heart aching with need for one to share the burden of the world with.

Yet I’ve read the warning, and have gulped back my questions, and asked that God would help me persevere, until the day the answers are manifest.  And doing so, I’ve felt my cheeks flush with shame of cowardice, eyes prick with tears unshed, and heart aching with unfulfillment …

Perhaps, if I asked, I’d learn there was no end. No companion. Neither surcease, nor comfort. Perhaps, if I asked, I’d learn I was designed to live alone, and spend my spirit to benefit those others, who will leave me behind, having found joy …

In the end. I stand before the stone, all words gone. Choked back. And the silence that spreads out around me is like the moment after the ringing of a great bell … an emptiness. Darkness made audible.

Ask not “What do ye, Lord?” Rather say to thyself, “Must not the Lord of all things do right?”

Selah.

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~ by dourscot on March 21, 2013.

8 Responses to “Words, words, words …”

  1. I love this post. Real. And very relevant in my life.

  2. Reblogged this on Being Her, (the other woman)… and commented:
    I love this post because I can relate. I know these feelings, these emotions.

  3. Wow, not even a word (is it) but the only thing I can come up with to express how I feel about this post. Gonna read it again.
    Thank you for reblogging this!!
    Hugs
    Carrie

  4. I am here where you are…Was in a love affair with someone I loved deeply..He never left..but don’t know if I wanted him too anyways..I began to feel more and more empty as the years passed and I ended it two weeks ago..I have suffered greatly each day…I hide my pain because nobody cares about the other woman…Nobody wants to know..The seasons remind me of him just like you affair did for you..I met him in the summer/fall of 2009 so every time the leaves change and float to the ground I think of him and that time…Very excited to be in love…Very excited to feel alive…Nothing like it ever and can be right up there with the birth of my four children..I miss my friend, my lover, and my happy more than anything tonight…Life is bland, empty, and without purpose most days without him in it…All the things that once brought me joy do not exist anymore..Nothing brings me JOY…I am just getting through the days…Merely existing…I am numb and unconcerned about anything anymore…The pink rose bush that alerts to to spring in my front yard is blooming but the pain in my heart will not allow me to see it’s color this year…Spring and color doesn’t not exist inside a broken heart…Everything is black..

    I understand your blogs…They are my words too.

    • Sadly, there seems to be little either of us can do, but endure till another comes along who can inspire such feelings … I feel your pain, and wish you the best!

  5. These men we allowed to destroy us are Narcissist and the affairs they have with women are like hurricanes destroying everything in it’s path..

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