My beautiful young roomie has a new boyfriend, and has been staying at his place a lot, lately – and, in consequence, I’ve been climbing the freaking WALLS!!!!

I don’t know why. We love each other, sure, but we’re room-mates, not lovers, and it really shouldn’t matter to me where she sleeps!

But it does.

Last night she slept here – with her boyfriend – and I slept the first deep normal sleep I’ve had in a couple of weeks! It’s not that she’s seeing a new guy, it turns out:  it’s that she wasn’t HOME!  Somehow, someway, the mere proximity of this little woman – regardless of who’s with her – comforts me, more deeply than anything I can think of!

More than a bottle of whiskey (did that the first night).

More than a few hits of weed (did that the second night).

More than sleeping pills (did those the third night).

More than walking, exercise, and dieting (did all that on night freaking four!)

In the past couple of weeks, I have been walking the fine line of insanity, without the first clue why … and last night, it all just fucking went away! Poof! Gone!

I can’t explain it. The little freaking nightmare was in her room, with her man, door closed … I could occasionally hear their voices, but not make out a word that they were saying.  The situation was not, in any way, materially different from the previous couple of weeks, except that she was present, not absent …


I thought I was jealous. I did, regardless of how creepy or weird that sounds. Now, however, it turns out that I’m not:  the presence of the guy made absolutely no freaking difference to me – what was important was that my Kayla was home!

I don’t know if actual fathers go through this crap. The only child I ever had, I didn’t know about till 21 years after she was born, and 3 days after they buried her. This whole freaking situation is new to me. I’ve aged a good 30 years (time I can ill afford) in the past couple of weeks, and now it turns out, I’ve been worried about the wrong thing!

I’m in love with the little monster.

Not romantic love. Not fraternal love. Not any of the more common sorts of love – I don’t freaking know what to call it, apart from a pain in the ass!!!

But it’s real, and it’s at the core of my life, and I’m a happy man because of it …

I love you, Kay!



~ by dourscot on March 12, 2013.

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