Changes

My gorgeous young room-mate, Kayla

My gorgeous young room-mate, Kayla

I don’t like change.

Ok, that’s not entirely true, sometimes change IS necessary, and I’m happy to see it happen – it would be more accurate to say that even changes for the better can sometimes be uncomfortable, or even downright scary.

For the past 2 years, my roomie, pictured above, has been dating this guy … there’s nothing particularly wrong with him: but he was home-schooled (in East-Armpit Mississippi), so A) he has no friends B) he lacks the social skills to make friends, C) he lives in his mama’s house, and D) there is virtually no chance that he will ever live further than 50 yards, max, from her house. He has carefully camouflaged racist attitudes that he’s not even aware of, and he holds to the standard southern man’s idea of what a woman should be like – a delicate, stay at home mother to as many kids as he can make her bear … she should be a church-going, family-loving, husband-worshiping little creature who doesn’t express ideas at variance with his own …

I knew, in the first week they were dating, that what he wanted was NOT Kayla, but someone who looked LIKE Kayla, without the cutting scars, tattoos, and piercings, who conformed to the image I mentioned …

Kayla, somewhere in the back of her stubborn mind, knew it, as well, and knew that he was never going to accept her as she was, nor would he ever let go of his prejudices …

But he was sweet to her, he took her places, helped pay for her medications when her money was tight, and could be counted on to help out, when she needed it – so the two silently and tacitly agreed to try to change each other, and pretend they really didn’t dislike each other, in some pretty fundamental ways.

It’s been going downhill for some time, and, for the past 8 months, she’s been trying to break up with him, and not being able to quite do it, she’s been getting more and more self-destructive…

Add to that, that the sex stopped nearly 3 months ago. That doesn’t happen to Kay! She’s not a slut, but she’s a thoroughly modern woman, she’s stunning, and she enjoys an active sex life – until this.

Finally she summoned her nerve, and the break-up happened. She told me she felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from her, and became a giddy little nutcase for a few days, chatting with people online, texting people on her phone, and just generally putting out the word that she was single again!

I was happy for her – but scared for her: some of the guys she went out with were jerks who just seemed to be playing with her mind, and she wasn’t being nearly as careful as I’d have liked. Still, I’m not her daddy, I’m her friend, and if she wanted to run wild for a bit, dammit, she had it coming after being miserable for so very long!

There was a guy she often saw at work (she works at the Barnes and Noble on Campus), who was good-looking, seemed quiet, and she’d secretly been crushing on him for a while, but didn’t think he’d be interested in her – “Still, what the hell, I’m single again! May as well take my shot!”

One of the many things I love about Kay, is that fearlessness:  I think of all the times I’ve shied away from running a risk, refused to take a shot – and I have to wonder what all I’ve missed out on … Kay isn’t afraid of risks, and, now that she was morally free to do so, she took her shot … not sure exactly what she said, but they went out that night …

You know, I can sometimes be a complete freaking hypocrite.  Case in point:  I loved Kayla from the moment I saw her. We had an instant bond, and we literally became best friends overnight. And I wasn’t shy about sharing my feelings.

The next day, Kay got more and more freaked out:  she’d really enjoyed her date, but he was now sending incredibly poetic text messages, and starting to sound like a stalker … he was talking about love, and about how perfect she was, and she told me about these things with some anxiety, and I, hypocritically, said “Someone who talks about love on the first date either doesn’t have a clue what that word means, or is using it to manipulate you!”

She nodded in vague agreement, but the text messages were flattering, and the date had been really good, and the guy was good looking, and dammit, he just needs to back down a little bit, that’s all …

Later that evening, she announced, that she had finally gotten it through to him that she was newly single, wasn’t sure what she wanted, but absolutely wasn’t ready for a new relationship. He agreed to tone things down, and they agreed to go out again the next night.

And then the night after.

It’s bee around four days, now, they’ve been in each other’s presence continuously, sometimes at his place, sometimes at ours …

Saturday night she brought him over to my newly-cleaned house and we had dinner, and just hung out, for hours, talking.

I’m a fucking hypocrite, as I mentioned:  if instant love is possible for me, why not for him? And Kayla was happier than I’d ever, ever, seen her! The guy’s about a decade older than her, stable, did time in the Army, is actually making a living as an artist/Graphical Designer – and is EASILY sensitive enough to have genuinely fallen in love in one night …

I owe him a huge freaking apology.

On the other hand, Kay is so taken with him, I have absolutely no idea when I’ll see her again!!!

I’m adjusting. When all this started, I was in agony, because she was so giddy, and I had no idea what she was getting involved with, and I was scared to death, for her sake. That agony continued right up till he and I sat at my dining table, just talking about stuff … it’s been easing off ever since, and I’m pretty much ready, I think, for whatever comes next – so long as she doesn’t move out, which seems unlikely:  she loves her room, and needs privacy on occasion as I do: she’s even more bi-polar than I am, and there are times that she just needs to wall the world out.  Besides, his place literally doesn’t have room for more than an overnight bag …

So I’m content, and my best friend is happy, and she has a good guy – and I’m not jealous in the least, except that of course I am, because, damn it, I like to hang out with her too!!!!!  

Which I predict won’t be happening for a while. Well, screw it. I either love her or I don’t:  if I truly love her, I need to be happy that she’s getting what she needs and can finally be happy again – and I swear, I truly am happy for her!

I just am not comfortable with change, that’s all.

Kayla and Keelan

Kayla and Keelan

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~ by dourscot on March 4, 2013.

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