I hate pink.
Not the singer – love her! I mean the color. Bleached red. Used Bubble-gum. Pepto-freaking-bismol. Blond, freshman, sorority-girl sweater.
I don’t mean “I don’t really care for that color, but it’s ok if you do, I just wouldn’t put it on, well, anything …” – what I mean is that I hate it, as in ‘actively despise’…
If you drive by me in a pink car, carry a pink-sleeved laptop, text on a pink iPhone, wear any garment of pink, use pink lipstick, or color your hair pink, my assessment of your IQ immediately drops like a paralyzed falcon into the double-digits (for those of you wearing pink even as you read this, that’s a bad thing: IQ’s below 100 are, well, sub-normal …)
I wasn’t mugged by someone wearing pink, assaulted or slandered by a manufacturer of pink felt-tips, and no one has tried to drown me in Pepto-God-Damn-Bismol, although it was my grand-mother’s weapon of choice against everything from stomach flu, to a sprained ankle … I have no negative experiences involving pink, and haven’t even hated it all my life (ok, I have disliked it all my life: one of my earliest memories is of Dad painting my little sister’s crib this thoroughly awful, utterly abominable, shade of pink that might well have caused even a sorority girl’s gorge to rise.)
If you want to know when my dislike descended though revulsion, abhorrence, and eventually evolved into genuine, honest-to-God, HATRED, I can’t give you an actual date – but I can tell you the initial cause, and about when it started bothering me: it was Walmart, immediately pre-Valentine’s Day …
Look, as holidays go, I’ve never really taken a lot of notice of Valentine’s Day: I don’t get to stay home and play with my computer, and no one is likely to give me anything, and I have not had anyone to give stuff to for some time, so, apart from mild annoyance at the number of pink decorations everywhere, I just didn’t notice. It was like Saint Patric’s Day, only with Pink, not Green … I usually didn’t notice it till someone pointed out to me that the day had arrived, and why wasn’t I swapping Valentine’s cards, or giving someone candy?
About 3 years ago, Walmart seemed to be accelerating the holidays … first it was Thanksgiving stuff out ad 12 Midnight Halloween, then Christmas stuff out the day after Thanksgiving … Next year, was the same, except the Christmas stuff began to appear (in just a small corner of the store) as early as just before Halloween, and then the Valentine’s Day stuff, was there the day after Christmas …
At first it wasn’t too bad … sure there were some annoying pink things, but it wasn’t like the store was freaking covered with Valentine’s Day stuff!
That has changed.
Go into Walmart. Have a look around. There are stuffed animals on every freaking aisle … There are like 3 whole aisle’s of chocolates … more in the grocery section … then the cards, little mints, Valentine’s Day clothing for God’s sake! And the balloons. Everywhere. Mostly red, it’s true, but many, many, many in that ghastly pink!
When they’d already advanced the holiday timing as much as they could, the only way to make you take notice was to go for Market Saturation. This involves making everything your eye falls on remind you of the holiday … red works, but eventually fades into the background … it’s a primary color, so your brain begins to filter it out … what’s needed is some means of grabbing and holding your attention – and one way of doing that is to hit you with a color that just isn’t right … an obnoxious shade of pink works great for this: your eyes cross it, it jars your attention, and you have just time to reflect on how horrid it is … by then, you’ve been undone – you’ve noticed what they wanted you to notice, and you can proceed on to the next pink thing they want you to take notice of!
In the end, you emerge from the store, burdened with all the crap the pink objects induced you to buy, feeling used, and dirty, like a new prisoner who didn’t beat the crap out of someone the first day in prison …
I have not had a Happy Valentine’s Day.