As we draw closer to Halloween an increasing number of people seem to be talking about Zombies, and the possibility of a Zombie Apocalypse. In fact, for the past several years, this idea seems to have been a fixation of western civilization, giving rise to a number of movies, and events like Run For Your Life – a 5 Kilometer obstacle course littered with faux zombies who attempt to take flags from the racers … lose all your flags and you’re considered to be either eaten, or infected and doomed to start shambling along in search of bwaaains

Let’s be clear about a few things:

1) No one has any real idea how a Zombie Apocalypse might be triggered.

2) No one has any real idea exactly what capabilities Zombies might possess.

3) There are absolutely NO experts on Zombies, whose ideas are essential to publicize for the good of the people.

4) All of that being the case, I don’t see any reason at all why I shouldn’t just make shit up.

Accordingly, this post will be dedicated to all things zombie, and, in particular, how to survive in order to eventually repopulate the Earth. So as to prepare for the NEXT sort of Apocalypse:  maybe a plague, or radioactive mutant lobster-people from the deep seas, or some other weird-ass thing that sees the destruction of Mankind as it’s proper place in the Universe …

What are Zombies???

Ok, at this point, I’m just going to assume you’ve been vacationing on another planet that doesn’t have access to HBO, or Netflix.

Zombies are the walking dead, ok? Ex-human beings infected with a virus or some such crap, who died and came back to life minus most of their intellectual capabilities, the ability to feel pain, any form of sympathy, remorse, generosity, and absolutely no inclination to eat a healthy, balanced diet. They also frequently are missing substantial portions of their skin, and/or body parts, and do not appear in any way to be upset or inconvenienced by this.  Also, they’re hungry. Very hungry. And, rather than spend any time mucking around in the kitchen, they seem quite content to eat whatever other human beings they come across. And, quite possibly, brains.

Nothing better demonstrates their diabolical origins, and utter lack of any human characteristics than this:  they readily and easily cooperate toward their mutual goals, without bickering, back – stabbing, finger-pointing, pettiness or greed. Also, they never, ever, ever eat one another – a claim that humanity cannot make!

Where do Zombies Come From????

Ok, in case you weren’t reading very closely NO ONE FREAKING KNOWS!!!!  For starters, they haven’t showed up, yet, ok??? Try to keep pace here, or you’re very likely to be eaten.

While we can’t know in advance where they come from, a number of possible Zombie origins have been identified:

1) Evolution –  Some perfectly normal virus (likely a retro-virus like HIV) gets hit with a random cosmic or gamma ray and mutates into a horribly virulent blood-born variety which proceeds to slaughter and then re-animate people in droves, spreading faster than rumors of sexual improprieties by priests or political candidates could.  In this scenario, humanity is utterly innocent, and this shit is just not fair.

2) Unnatural Scientific Research – Some idiot scientist, seeking to cure cancer, make a fortune, or create the perfect soldier, screws around with some perfectly normal virus (likely a retro-virus like HIV,)  totally fucks it up and genetically engineers it into a horribly virulent blood-born variety which proceeds to slaughter and then re-animate people in droves, spreading faster than a fart in an elevator could.  In this scenario, science is utterly guilty, and humanity has this shit coming, for inventing science in the first place, and continuing to fund it, so as to produce such utterly evil things as Polio Vaccines, and the eradication of Small Pox.

3) Divine Wrath – To pay mankind back for all the wicked shit we do, including rape, incest, murder, and the production, on an industrial scale, of Count Chocula cereal, God himself takes a perfectly normal virus (likely a retro-virus like HIV,)  and modifies it into a horribly virulent blood-born variety which proceeds to slaughter and then re-animate people in droves, spreading faster than a Televangelist can lie. In this scenario, Mankind is utterly guilty, and humanity has this shit coming for not taking all that stuff about “Thou Shalt Not Kill”, and “Love thy neighbor” seriously.

What are zombies capable of??? 

Once again, jerk, THEY HAVEN’T GOTTEN HERE, YET!!!! How the hell should I know what they can do???

Assuming, for the sake of argument, that whatever creatures produced by the virus ARE zombies, then we can assume they’ll be dead (but moving), insensitive to pain, lacking in higher reason, and driven by a ravenous hunger for human flesh/brains.  Some will have greatly reduced motor-skills, and will shamble along, moaning, not in pain, but in frustration at their inability to chase down humans to eat.  A few others (probably people who were hyperactive, ADD/ADHD, coke heads, or Meth-addicts while still alive) will be considerably faster, if no more coordinated. These may snarl, rather than moan, probably realizing they will never again have access to their meds/drugs.

It is very remotely possible that the zombies will not conform to these notions – but in that case, we’re gonna have to call them something else.

How can we kill them??? 

Pretty much just stand around with your thumb up your ass:  I believe I mentioned above that they’re already dead. If you wish to RE-kill them, however, there is pretty much only one way: remove the head, or destroy the brain. (Exploding them with grenades or dynamite, or completely incinerating them with molotov cocktails, or flamethrowers will also work, but there are certain hazards associated with these that make them somewhat less than optimal.)

Bladed Weaponry – removing the head is one of the traditional roles assigned to such bladed weapons as swords, axes, and the like.  Sadly, our society has scoffed at the need for such weaponry (and the very idea of zombies) for long enough that they’re now fairly hard to come by, particularly in big cities, which is where most of the coolest action should take place. Still, difficult to come by, does not mean impossible to obtain … Fire axes can be acquired in many modern buildings, Martial Arts stores, or Dojos can be ransacked for Japanese katana and wakizashi, the long and short samurai swords, respectively. Hardware stores sometimes carry machetes, and lumber-jack axes. Sporting good stores may have hatchets, in the camping section. Finally, army surplus stores may have many of each of these things, but I strongly advise you not to try to ransack such an establishment:  the people who run the place have already been there for hours, and have had loads of time to fortify and provide themselves with all manner of firearms, according to the doctrines of the second amendment, and the NRA.

Guns – A friend of mine who’s lived in Canada far too long, when asked what sort of gun she would like for the coming apocalypse declared that she didn’t think guns would be all that effective against the undead.  I immediately pictured her slathered in BBQ sauce, and chained to a post in the street to lure the bastards into the kill-zone.  Where we will shoot them with, yes, you guessed it, guns! While any firearm can be used to good effect, some are better than others. You’re going to want a shotgun. Frankly, it’s unlikely you’re going to get the opportunity to be picky about what kind, but, on the off-chance you find yourself holed-up in ‘Shotguns ‘R Us’ or  almost any Walmart in Montana, you should ask the friendly staff for a military-grade, short-barrelled, pump-action, 12-guage combat shot-gun. Chances are that they won’t have any, having sold them all to depressed-looking teenagers in trench-coats, for use at school/college/movie theaters, but hey, you might just luck out, and get your hands on the very last one they had in stock – weirder things have happened: there are zombies out there, remember?

But just having a gun, does not guarantee you’ll have any success in putting down zombies with it … it will do you absolutely no good to aim for ‘center of body mass’ as virtually every firearms instructor teaches. Those guys are referring to the best way to shoot a human being – zombies are a whole different thing!  As noted above, you have to separate them from their brains, or you might as well just go ahead and squeal like a little girl, and empty your gun into the air, for all the good it will do you.  When dealing with zombies head-shots are where it’s at. If you managed to get your hands on a shot-gun, line up the sights on the bridge of the nose of your chosen shambling target, and pull the freaking trigger. FOOOM! (followed by a disgusting sound of wet material spattering back to earth).  Problem freaking solved, and Who’s fucking NEXT!!!

Of course, as mentioned, you might have trouble getting your hands on a shotgun, and may have to make do with something smaller, such as a Desert Eagle, a Glock, or a SiG. If you’re a sissy who never plays first-person shooter games, those are hand-guns. I’m not going to try and educate you in the use of every hand-gun there is, but let me offer a few quick pointers: if it’s an automatic, aim at the zombie’s head and keep pulling the trigger till the zombie goes away, or you hear a click, followed by no boom, indicating that you’re out of bullets. Also, pretty much out of luck, and time, as you’re about to be eaten. Sorry.

If, on the other hand, your weapon is a revolver, you might just as well grip it by the barrel and use it to bludgeon the bastards, because you’re never going to be able to put enough bullets into their heads to get the job done. You can try, of course – just bear in mind that when you’re done trying, you WILL be dismembered and eaten.

I mentioned explosives and fire. Bad idea. Ok, look, IF you happened to be a trained combat veteran, go right ahead and use the things. Feel free. Everyone else, just forget it. Trust me, you’re gonna panic and lob a grenade at a zombie ten or twelve feet away, destroying the zombie, all your nearby friends, and yourself. If anyone ever gets around to burying your heavily chewed-up and burnt corpse, they’re gonna put “Dumb-Ass” on the tomb-stone.  Same goes for rocket-launchers, bazookas, RPGs, sticks of Dynamite, etc.

Flame-throwers and Molotov cocktails are, similarly, not a very good idea. They’re great against humans … we have an instinctive horror of fire, and anyone who gets so much as a cigarette burn is going to be incapacitated while they scream and curse about it. Zombies, though, don’t feel either fear or pain, and they’re just gonna keep shambling forward till they set your stupid ass on fire, too. This scenario represents the ONLY case is which a zombie will eat food that’s been cooked.

There’s a lot more to learn, and, if all of this was new to you, you have a LOT of studying to do. I recommend you get on Netflix and watch Shaun of the Dead … not only do you get to see a few effective zombie-fighting techniques, you get to laugh your ass off at all the ineffective techniques demonstrated.

One final thing:  despite all my careful instruction, you’re probably going to be partially eaten, then turn into a zombie, yourself. In that event, please eat someone else. By that I mean someone other than ME.


~ by dourscot on October 30, 2012.

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