Dogged Efforts

Dogs seldom enroll in martial arts classes, preferring such activities as rolling in cow poop, and snorting any ass they come across.

WARNING:  I am about to piss-off approximately half of the Human Race, including my room-mate … in consequence, this may be my final Blog Post. If my body is found hacked to bits with a Machete, please let the police know Kayla did it.

I like cats. A lot. There are a bunch of reasons, which I’ll get into later, but I’m nearly 53 years old and have lived around both cats and dogs my entire life, and it’s my opinion that, far from being man’s best friend, dogs are man’s most annoying parasite (not counting Tapeworms, and my brother Michael.)

Look, I’m not saying they’re evil. I’m not even saying they’re stupid, as I know many are quite intelligent. They’re just annoying. Very annoying. Maybe there are people in the world who are into being annoyed – there are people into dishing out pain, and people into receiving pain, so why not people who get off on being annoyed?  I, on the other hand, prefer an environment that is both pain-free, and annoyance-free – which is another way of saying Dog-free.

My very best friend, the young and lovely Kayla, who shares this little house with me (NO it’s not like that, America:  I don’t need any Lolita comments, we’re just friends), strongly disagrees. Strongly. She can’t quite explain why, other than that dogs are furry and affectionate.  My reply that nearly all cats are also furry, many are affectionate, and virtually every cat is free of the really annoying behaviors that characterize dogs was met with stony silence, and an icy glare.

Kay is five-nothing, 120 Lbs. Tiny. What mass she does possess is intriguingly sculpted, but the point I’m trying to get across here is that someone so petite should not be at all intimidating, imposing, or frightening.

Kayla somehow manages all three.

It’s bizarre. It’s the same behavior that Windows Users display, compared to Mac Users! Ask a Windows user what’s so awesome about Windows, and they’ll draw a blank. (Understandably, since about 90% of them have never tried any other platform for any length of time.) Ask a Mac user and before you finish the sentence they’ll be crowing about the many ways in which the Mac is better than Windows. Most of the reasons they give will be phrased in terms of Windows’ short-comings, e.g. “I like Macs because they start up to the desktop in 45 seconds – not the 8 minutes my old PC took!!!”, or, “I like Macs because they aren’t susceptible to virtually every computer virus ever made – unlike my Windows machine!!!”

Cat-lovers behave exactly like Mac enthusiasts, while Dog-lovers tend to emulate Windows-People.  Ask a Dog-Lover why Dogs are superior to cats, and they’ll almost certainly remark on affection, and trainability, both of which are perfectly valid points, despite the fact that about as many cats are affectionate, as dogs that can be trained. The fact is, lots of dogs aren’t affectionate toward anyone who doesn’t regularly feed them, and there are loads of dogs that are even more untrainable than a cat!

Take Loki, for instance. Kayla’s Miniature Pinscher. Excitable, like many tiny dogs bred from large breeds. Hyperactive. Yippy. Yappy. Given to sharp, nerve-shreeding barks.  Kay’s had dogs all her life. Loki absolutely could not be trained to pee or poop outside. No matter how often she was taken. No matter that Annabelle, Kayla’s other dog, is a reasonable role model for potty discipline. Kay tried everything, including puppy training pads, and various chemicals. Nor was it that she got the dog too late to train her:  we picked up Loki when she was slightly bigger than my fist. (Yes, I said ‘she’: when Kay named the puppy, she knew that Loki was associated with mischief, in the Norse Pantheon, which seemed appropriate – but she did not know that Loki was 1) Male , and 2) a Giant.  Remarking on these two issues is guaranteed to earn me another death-glare, and/or possibly a severe  beating, so let’s say no more about it, OK?)

That covers trainability, but what about affection? Whatever else can be said about Loki, she’s undoubtedly affectionate!

Which is annoying.

Look, a cat expresses affection by cross-body-blocking your legs while you’re trying to get someplace, curling up in your lap on a good day, on your open book, newspaper, or magazine, on a bad day, and by attempting to crawl all over you when you’re playing action games on your computer. Most of these things can be annoying depending on your mood…

All of Loki’s affection is annoying, and it really doesn’t matter what sort of mood I’m in.

Loki wants to be in physical contact. Not just her body, but her teeth, claws, and tongue. She wants to gnaw on your fingers. With needle-sharp puppy teeth. Claw at your arms (with claws that, in a full-sized doberman, were designed for eviscerating deer.) She wants to slurp your face. Annoying as it might be to have to wipe dog saliva from your face, it becomes even worse when you reflect on the fact that she’s been using that tongue to clean her ass for the last 30 minutes! And she never just goes to sleep near me: she’s got be at me and at me and at me to gain my approval or whatever.

She doesn’t do all these things as badly with Kay, of course.

Cats are quiet. Cats spend the vast majority of their lives looking cool, and sleeping. Cats do not have to be taken out at every hour of the day or night, but will readily take care of their bodily needs in a box of litter. They will not urinate or defecate on the floor, carpet, furniture, or bed. They do not go insane and emit sharp, nerve-shredding barks at 3 AM, because someone slammed a car door two blocks over. They have no interest in trying to chase, herd, play chicken with, or pace alongside of a 1.5 ton freaking car! They don’t usually slurp faces, or anything else, apart from themselves. They can be gotten free of fleas.

Here’s a fairly typical example of my interactions with Kayla’s dogs …

Went to bed at 12:30. Thanks to Loki whining at my door, couldn’t get to sleep until about 2:30.

Woken up at 6:00 by my middle-aged bladder, and rejoiced that I could sleep another hour and twenty minutes, if I could just slip back into the strange but intense dream I’d been having.

Not a chance in hell. Loki still whining at my door, and no prospect of her stopping. I thought, “Fine, if I take them out and get them back in quickly, I can maybe get a little more sleep …”

Nope. Stepped in a puddle of piss near the front door, then discovered the entire area near the door had been cunningly peppered with dog poop, and a big bloody-tinged puddle to show Loki is in heat. The dogs go out. I start cleaning stuff up while watching them and taking care that none of my cats takes the opportunity to escape their captivity. Call the dogs, and they come back to within 4 feet of the front door, then Loki turns and bolts away, which signaled Annabelle that she could do the same, and simultaneously the Alley Cat and the Tom-cat made a concerted effort to flee.

Annabelle disappears, Loki crosses a field to hide in some freaking THORN bushes to await her true-love and/or any male dog still in possession of his nuts.

I cross the recently-mowed field full of heavily dewed grass-clippings in bare feet to retrieve the amorous Loki, only to discover painfully why she chose that particular bush to hide under. Put her back in the house and go looking for Annabelle, to discover her under my car, refusing to come out, because she can sense that I’m angry, and her previous owners were abusive. Finally drag her out from under the car, with her shrieking like I’m murdering her, put her inside and she bolts straight through my open bedroom door to track wet grass-clippings and muddy paw-prints over my bed, and curl up on my pillow depositing as much dew and fleas as she possibly can. Loki, taking her cue from Annabelle, invades my forbidden bedroom to curl up under the desk where I have to make like a contortionist to get her out.

Then I get to clean up the puddles of piss, menstrual blood, and the field of poop at my front door.

I won’t be getting any more sleep, after all. I find cats far superior to dogs.


~ by dourscot on October 25, 2012.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: